It's just a job

Was reading taqi's post today. Kinda weird innit? But I guess we were right to worry during university, because that degree would eventually shape our future. But then again, I know at least one guy who didn't finish his degree, and he seems to be doing great. A lot of successful people don't have degrees. A lot of them never even went through secondary school. And people say that your degree is useful only for your first job anyway (most of the time at least). So I don't know. Maybe at that time, it seemed like if we didn't get a degree, we'd be fucked for life. Anyway, I always say 'It's just a job'. It's not like it's the end of the world.Your life shouldn't be about your job. Your job is supposed to revolve around your life. It's supposed to help you get money and shit so you can live your life. If work starts eating into your personal time and space, you might want to start thinking about another job.

Also on the subject of work, I once had a discussion with another buddy about whether one should get a job that's also their hobby. You know, like if programming is your hobby, then would you want a job as a programmer? There was a discussion about this on Slashdot a while back. Me, I think it'd be a matter of time before your 'job/hobby' turns into 'merely another chore'. I think it'd be better to get a hobby that is different from your work. Or maybe get a job that is a bit different than your hobby. However, I wouldn't want a job that I know outright is boring or tedious simply because it isn't my hobby. You still want your work to be enjoyable, but be able to come home and do something else to take your mind off work. But that's just my opinion.

Work
\Work\ (w[^u]rk), n. :

 An occasional side effect of having a job.

Baaaad mojo.

There's this McD I frequent often. I just love having my DoubleCheese and Sprite before I get on the LRT back home (if I'm not hitching a ride with Akak - Akak is a colleague of mine, she's like our big sister at the office) or back to my Aunt's place. A couple of months ago, my Aunt asked me to sleep over at her house, since Imran (that's her kid) would be home alone, seeing as everyone would be someplace else. And my buddy and I happened to have some night class during that month somewhere near my Aunt's place. So for about a month I'm travelling to her house after work, and on the way I stop by that McD's to get my dose of Double Cheese.

So I'm at that McD's 'most every other day, and I'm doing my thing, being friendly to the people there and shit, right? At one point, they start asking me my name, where I'm from, you know, getting to know me kinda thing, see?

I notice this one girl, I'll call her Farrah, since that was the name I noticed on her name tag. She's really pretty looking, beautiful dark brown round eyes, silky smooth and fair skin,lovely full lips, tall, and she's sweet, and very friendly. And she's got the sweetest smile, perfect pearly whites far as I can tell. So we talk a bit. Just small talk, you know?

So I've been going there for more about a month, on and off, then I stop going for about a month and a half. My class trainer was overseas, so class was cancelled for a while. So it's been a month and a half, and I happen to go to that McD again. The moment I step through the doors, there's that girl again, going "Hi Fadhil!" and waving at me and I'm all "Oh, shit, I can't even remember her name". So I saunter over to the counter. There's three counters, the left and right ones have people queueing up, and the middle one is closed, right? So I'm waiting behind the lady in the left queue, while eyeing the other queue so I can dart into whichever counter is vacant first. While I'm waiting, I see the girl heading towards the middle counter. I peek at her name tag again. Farrah. I told myself I'll never forget that name again. Farrah. What a lovely name.

So Farrah is at the middle counter, and she asks me "What will you have, Fadhil?". So I ask for my regular; Double Cheese and a Sprite. I reach back for my wallet, and she says "No, no. It's ok. This one's on me". Wow. I was taken aback. "Are you sure?". Farrah says it's okay. She flashes me a smile. I thank her. Then I make a little joke "Next time it's on me, eh?". The smile again. And I head downstairs to enjoy my heart disease in the making.

As I dig in to my free burger, I'm thinking "Gee, that was awfully nice of her". Then a thought that only a man can think crossed my mind, "could she be interested in me?". Well she was being really nice to me. She did remember my name after nearly a month after seeing me there. And it's not like I'm the only guy at a McD. These are people who have served billions of burgers worldwide.

So while I'm thinking this, I figure I got a good excuse to ask her out, since technically she treated me to dinner that day. I devise my plan. I planned to come over again the following week, and tell her exactly that. I'm gonna say that since she basically already treated me to a meal, I'd like to treat her to lunch. Hopefully find out more about her in the process. Pleased with myself, I finish my meal (oh how great food tastes when it's free) and head home (I was supposed to have class, but it was cancelled because the trainer wasn't feeling to well. It didn't matter, because I was too elated, my head was in the clouds thinking about Farrah).

The next day on the way to work I tell Akak about it, and ask her what she makes of it. She tells me I shouldn't be too carried away. Akak said that she might've done that as a form of marketing. She might be right. She says I shouldn't be expecting too much, and to be cautious about the whole thing, lest I be left heartbroken. I agreed with her. But I guess I was adamant. "By this time next week, I'll ask her out" I say to myself.

So the next week (this was last week), I went to that Micky Dee's twice. Once she wasn't there, and the other time she was having some sort of meeting with the managers or something. She waved at me, I waved at her, but that was about it. I didn't want to interrupt her with the other managers. It would've been rude. No matter. I'm a patient man. I've waited 24 years to have a relationship, what's another week?.

Today, my buddy calls up our trainer, and he says we got class today at 8. Yeay! I can go to McD again today. Today'll be the day I ask her out. I'm getting giddy and excited with the prospect of a date with Farrah. (FYI, if this worked out, it'd be my third date in 24 years). Akak's words recurred in my mind though. I realized that it might not work out the way I want it to. But fuck it. If I don't do it now, I never will.

So I'm at the counter again, some girl is getting my order; Double Cheese and a Sprite. Farrah sees me. She walks over and while the other girl is getting my meal, we make some small talk. "How're you?". "I"m fine, and you?". She's asking me about work and stuff.

Then she asks me for my number. Wow you say? You wanna know why she wants my number? She wanted my number, because she wanted to invite me to her wedding in June! Fuck me. Now my mind is reeling. Reality spinning out of control. I hadn't prepared for this! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was expecting I'd ask her out, and she'd say "Hmmm, I'll have to think about it". Here she is telling me she's getting married in 3 months.

Irony is when the chick at McDonald's you wanted to ask out on a date asks you for your number so she can invite you to her wedding.

I play surprised and excited for her. "Wow, that's great! Who's the lucky guy? Sure I'll come, just give me a call". I write down my number on a piece of paper she gave me. I pay for my meal, and head downstairs. My hands are shaking. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I've only ever met her over the counter at McD, but I'm devastated. I sms Akak, tell her about it. I guess I should've listened to her.

Earlier tonight, I was chatting with Taqi, told him about it too. That's when I realize that this isn't the first time this sort of thing happened to me. There was this girl in University that I used to talk to. We only got to know each other in her 3rd year I think. She was really really nice. Soft spoken, tall, and smart, sweet, the works. I always wanted to just tell her that I sorta liked her, but everytime I went up to her to talk, it'd be something like "Hi! How was class? How're you? How's your family? Oh yeah? That's nice. Ok. Bye!". Every fucking time. A little over a year later, at our graduation, I decide to tell her, right? The whole ceremony is over, people are congratulating each other, parents bragging about their kids to other parents. And I see her. I'm about to approach her. To tell her, finally, how I feel. But I see she's with her mother. I think "Maybe I'll wait till tonight. At the convo fair. I'll tell her then. For real".

That night, at the fair, I see one of her friends (her friend knows I like her. She even told me many time before to just go out and tell her. But I never did). So I tell her "I'm going to tell her tonight". Then she's all "err....oh no, I thought you knew".
I ask her "What?".
She says "She's getting engaged tomorrow".

Crap.

It's like someone threw a hex on my ass. Like I've got bad mojo with women or something. I fall in love too fast. And then find out they're getting married tomorrow. The next time this kind of shit happens, I'm gonna go mandi bunga.

I was listening to DEFCON Radio yesterday, and there was this stand up comic act. He was talking about how he has plenty of girlfriends. Not "girlfriends", but friends who happen to be women. He says they always say "You're so sweet and nice. I wish I had a boyfriend just like you, but not you". That's what I feel like right now.

I told my friends and cousins about it. They told me don't worry, somebody will come my way. I suppose they're right. I guess you don't always get what you want when you want it.

In our IM session, Taqi and I were talking about how Malaysians aren't really all that big on the love thing. It doesn't work like in the movies, he said, where you can just go up to a girl and tell her you love her and everybody will be supportive about it. You'd have to make the rounds, the parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. If everyone gives you the thumbs up, then you get things working. Otherwise, you find someone else who fits your family's expectations. If she fits, you'll probably end up marrying her, even if you don't really love her that much at the time. I guess this way, we'd try to make it work out, to keep the rest of the family happy. Or something like that.

Lost of people find love after marriage.
But only a few find marriage after love.

And today, my love found marriage. It's just that it's not me she's getting married to.

Shit happens

It did.

I think too much

Following is an excerpt of a recent IM session I had with a buddy of mine. I thought it was pretty funny, and at the same time pretty deep and profound. Have a read.

t_a_q_i: better get ready to rm -rf your laptops
taymenc: uhh....
taymenc: you won't believe this
taymenc: i installed xp on my laptop for the time bein
taymenc: since a lot of the tools are for windows
t_a_q_i: well good for you!
taymenc: it felt a bit icky going through that part where the xp installer asked to remove "unknown" partitions on my drive
t_a_q_i: ahh..
t_a_q_i: good ol' windows
taymenc: felt like i was raping my laptop
t_a_q_i: no dude, you're just wathing bill gates rape your pc
t_a_q_i: you're as innocent as an innocent bystander
taymenc: i'll be glad once this training thing is done and i get my certificate
t_a_q_i: why?
t_a_q_i: i thought its the journey that matters
taymenc: i'll be able to purge my laptop of this devil spawn of an os
taymenc: or at the very least make it a dual boot machine
taymenc: 'sides
taymenc: i didn't pay for this copy of windows
taymenc: so i feel that i don't have the right to use it
taymenc: i'll use it if i paid for it
t_a_q_i: evil begets evil my friend
taymenc: and paid for the support
taymenc: windows is good...but piracy is baaaad
taymenc: four legs goooood
taymenc: two legs...baaaaaad
t_a_q_i: hmm... and in the end, the pigs becomes humans?
taymenc: yep
taymenc: and play poker
taymenc: i loved that cartoon
t_a_q_i: ok now.. think about this..
t_a_q_i: the new windows will be called longhorn, and the mascot is a four-legged bull... and linux is always with the two legged tux
t_a_q_i: hmm...
taymenc: you don't say?
taymenc: i didn't know they had a bull as a mascot
t_a_q_i: i thot longhorn is a bull
t_a_q_i: you know?
t_a_q_i: the thong logo that you saw in yan's blog
taymenc: hmm...i do recall you pointing me to a site
taymenc: yeah that's the one
t_a_q_i: thats a bull right?
taymenc: egad!
taymenc: i think you're right
t_a_q_i: its linux all along!
taymenc: but
t_a_q_i: windows is the victim
taymenc: linux is only the kernel
taymenc: a small part of it
taymenc: the rest of it is GNU
taymenc: GNUs have four legs
taymenc: how's that work into the equation?
t_a_q_i: ouh yeah
taymenc: we've got a problem here.....two legs working with four legs, trying to beat other four legs...
taymenc: i think we think too much
t_a_q_i: you think?
taymenc: i do
t_a_q_i: you think, therefore youare
taymenc: i think I think too much, at least
taymenc: you know what
taymenc: just the other day jumy asked me "why don't we like java again?"
taymenc: and i said that C is more straightforward
taymenc: and that C is faster since it doesn't have to run on "virtual machines"
taymenc: and that C is closer to the machine than java is
taymenc: then i thought about it
taymenc: and i came to the conclusion that I don't know if I do or don't like java,
taymenc: simply because i've never coded in it extensively
t_a_q_i: hmm true
taymenc: so i guess the same goes for OSes
taymenc: or movies
t_a_q_i: i don't like any languages that i dont know
taymenc: i keep saying i don't like titanic
taymenc: but i haven't watched it
taymenc: i say I'm open to new ideas
taymenc: but i close my mind to the experience of titanic
taymenc: and java
t_a_q_i: are you going to somehow twist this whole thing to accuse me of not experiancing linux?
taymenc: no no
taymenc: i'm just saying that
taymenc: maybe we should be more open to stuff
taymenc: why diss windows?
taymenc: why diss linux?
taymenc: why diss anything even?
t_a_q_i: hmm like gay sex and being submissive?
taymenc: ok i take that back
taymenc: gay sex is just
taymenc: so gay
taymenc: which makes it suck
taymenc: we should be open to anything except gay shit
taymenc: like gay sex
taymenc: and titanic and java
taymenc: hey!
taymenc: i think i solved the problem
t_a_q_i: hmm yups, titanic is a gay flick
t_a_q_i: and java is a gay language
taymenc: agreed!
taymenc: long live C and C++!
t_a_q_i: long live c++
t_a_q_i: !
taymenc: the titanic sank, screw java
taymenc: aah...it's always nice to be able to talk to a friend.
t_a_q_i: yeah dude
t_a_q_i: i need you to teach me again how to read music notes
taymenc: sure thing

So i guess sometimes no matter how "open" you say you are, how willing you are to try new experiences, there are some things you won't do, some places you just won't go. Which must be a good thing, otherwise we'd have too many gay java programmers watching sappy movies with sinking ships, no?

Success is a journey

A friend of mine, iceroll i shall name him, for that is what he is called in the land of bits and bytes, used to always tell me whenever I seemed in a hurry "apa yang ko dapat kalau takat kejar beberapa saat?" (loosely translated, it would sound something like this: "why the rush? what do you hope to achieve with the few seconds you gain?". I'd always agree and think "he's right" and slow down, and take my time. It may sound like laziness or procrastination, but today, at the Masjid Jamek Putra/Star interchange, I think I saw something that put real meaning to his advice.
There I was, just got off of the Putra LRT, heading for the escalator upwards to get to the STAR LRT station. I stick to the left side of the escalator, because that's where you're supposed to stand to allow people who are in a rush to pass by on the right. So I'm observing these people, all oblivious to what's going on around them, focused instead on blazing up the escalator and seemingly intent on making it on time for a train they don't even know is there yet. Maybe that's what the rat race is; scurrying about trying to make it in time for some business meeting or whatever.

Anyway, I'm just taking my own sweet time, watching these people some of whom are starting to sweat from all the running around. It's only 8.30 and already they're sweating. I'm already late (work starts at 8.30) but I don't fret it. The worst that can happen is that the bosses see me as inefficient and tardy that they'll fire me. It's not like it's the end of the world as we know it. So as I step off the escalator, I light up a cigarrette and head to the STAR LRT station (it's only a few steps away, but I figure I'll walk slowly so I can finish up half the ciggie).

My cancer stick is halfway through, so I throw it away and go straight for the ticket counter, get myself a ticket, and start another excalator trip up to the STAR platform. When I get to the top, lo and behold! it's the very same people who ran past me on the escalator in the Putra station, waiting for the very same train that I was gonna be waiting for. Now, why were they running again in the first place? Oh yeah, so they could get to the train in time. But wait, I'm here, I seem to be in time for the train? What gives? Amusing isn't it?

I think I've seen this more than once with people driving cars. You know, you're driving and there's this guy in front of you doing something like 90 maybe 100 km/h and you think "damn, this motherfucker is sooooo slow. I'm gonna just overtake him and get where I want to go faster." So you do. You get on the fast lane and speed up, leaving said motherfucker in the dust. But a couple kilometres down the road, there's a traffic light that turns red. So you slow down and stop. You're waiting for the light to turn green and you notice something in your rearview mirror. It's that slow motherfucker. He's just taking his time, and just as he draws nearer to you, the light turns green, and the motherfucker doesn't even have to stop. You're just getting into first gear, and this motherfucker is alread ahead of you. Makes you think doesn't it. I bet it's happened to you a couple of times too, huh?

I guess the lesson is that maybe we shouldn't be in a hurry all the time. Take your time, soak in life. Enjoy it. Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running. Don't go chasing trains you don't even know are there.

Karma Chameleon

I'm a shapeshifter. A chameleon.

My friend noticed me looking at a reflection of his monitor today. I was checking out his screen, seeing what he was up to. I've been doing that for a while, just a quick glance at the reflection, see what's going on. Today; busted.

So I was thinking about that, my stealing glances at his monitor. I wondered to myself why I did that. For some people it might be just curiosity. As for myself, I think there's a few other ingredients mixed in there. At first I figured it's because I'm a chameleon, checking out what my colleague is doing and do that; if he's working, then I should work, if he slacks off, I slack off. A karma chameleon, changing my mood and personality according to the mood and characteristics of the people around me. I've been a karma chameleon for as long as I can remember. Even my friends notice that I can be different people around different crowds. They've even said to me "We don't know you. We don't really know who you are. Who are you?". I don't know really. Maybe I'm just being myself, but we all know that's like saying a cat is being feline; that's what it's supposed to be.

Thing is, as I'm writing this thing, I start to wonder, is that really the reason why I was doing it? Because I'm trying to assess the overall atmosphere and adapt my lazy ass to it? I suppose that might be part of the reason, since that is after all human nature, or at least that's what this doctor thinks.

I think I care too much about what people will think about me, about whether they may see my actions as fit or acceptable. I care too much that people should accept me into their lives that I forget to live mine. Or do I? Abrupt end.

Just be yourself

Ever have someone tell you to "be yourself"? Ever wondered what that means; "being yourself"? I know I have. I've thought about it, and thought about it some more. And the conclusion I can come up with regarding that phrase is that it's utter bullshit. How do you "be yourself"? Come to think of it; who are you really?

Think really hard about all the relationships you have or had; those with your parents, your buddies in school, your college buddies, your colleagues, your boss, your teachers, kids, strangers in the park, your neighbors. Think about them real hard and then try to differentiate the myriad 'you's you've been in those various relationships. The shit you talk about with your friends rarely, if ever, come up in conversations with your parents. To your grandparents you're sweet little children, but hit the park with your college mates and you turn into sex craved monsters, whistling at anything in a skirt that walks past. 'Fucker' and 'Asshole' are words you might use on your childhood buddy, but nary a curse is to be heard when you're with your girlfriend.

What I'm trying to say is that in all those cases, you are 'you'. And if you suddenly do a 180 and start cursing at your parents, choose to be quiet and reserved where you would usually be raising hell, start being nice to the guy who used to bully you in school; you're still 'you'. Just that you've decided to change the 'you' that you are. Nobody can tell you to 'be yourself', simply because you already are 'yourself'. You just can't be anymore 'yourself' than you already are. I'm not sure I can explain it in a clearer way. Maybe this'll help.

John: Hey Bob, there's that girl I like. What do I say? What do I do?
Bob: Just be yourself, John.
John: What the fuck Bob!? I am 'myself' and 'myself' doesn't know what the fuck to say. Which is why I'm asking you. Dumbass.

I reread this entire post, and now I'm not sure I'm even making sense.
But the point is this:

We should all just stop saying 'be yourself' and let people be whatever the hell they want to be, because they already are 'themselves'.

Dammit, it's back up again.

I was thinking about writing something in this blog today, but just couldn't think of anything to write, so I figured I'd just go to sleep and think about it tomorrow. I click on the sign out link, and this error pops up saying "couldn't connect to blogspot" or whatever. Yeay! A good reason to NOT update my blog, since the site seems to be down. Just to be sure, I instant message my colleague. Sure enough, blogspot seems to be unavailable. I mention to my colleague how unfortunate that was since I was *just* about to update my blog when the connection went down (he'd been asking me when I'd update it, so I guess this time I could say it wasn't my fault, and that I'd do it tomorow).

Then what do you suppose happens? It gets back up. The fucking internet connection, just as I was about to call it a day and go to sleep, is up and running again. So my buddy says "hey, dude, it's back online, now you can update your blog." I find myself telling him that I still can't seem to connect to it and that maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Talk about procrastinating. I've been procrastinating on almost everything for the past month or so. I've got this project I was supposed to have finished up at work sometime last week; I'll do it by the end of this week. Supposed to have registered for my new IC; it's a holiday this weekend, maybe I'll do it the week after. Shit like that. What's going on here? Where's this pattern leading? I'll tell you where it's leading. Down, that's where. If I keep this up, by the middle of next year I'll be so bogged up in backdated shit, that I'll never be able to do anything in time for the rest of my life.

I need to do something about that. And I need start somewhere. Sleep seems to me like a good place to start. It's already 2.40 am now. I can't put it off any longer, lest I spend the rest of the day tomorrow looking like a zombie. Yep, no more procrastinating for me. From now on, I will get off my lazy ass and do stuff when I'm supposed to do it. But first I'm gonna go have a smoke, which I was supposed to have quit doing 3 weeks ago.

This is my first time. Be gentle.

Hello. I'm new at this, so don't burn me just yet. I enjoy reading blogs and I've thought about having my own blog more than a couple of times, but never actually followed through. Recently however, a number of incidents and discussions that went on in the office where I work opened my eyes and let me see things from an angle I've never seen from. Maybe some of you who read this blog may have already realized and learnt from your own experience a lot of the stuff that I want to say. But I suppose someone somewhere might read my blog and think "Wow, I never thought of it that way", which to me would mean that this blog has served the purpose that I intended it for; as a machine for communicating my personal take on stuff that may happen to anyone. Now that I mention it, I'd like to include a disclaimer here, stating that as far as humanly possible, the views and comments that I make in my writings are my own and do not reflect in any way the views or comments of the company that I work for, my friends, or my family.

In any case, I hope this will grow to be an interesting blog. I hope you'll like it. And more importantly, I hope I'll like it.